Office Training Video: Fire Safety
by Red Witch
Summary: This is a topic Archer and the entire agency are a little too careless about.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has burned to the ground. Yes you all knew this particular video was coming sooner or later. Phrasing.**

 **Office Training Video: Fire Safety**

"This is a fun way to spend an afternoon," Ray remarked as he sat on a chair in Krieger's lab. "Watching these employee training videos you guys made."

"Sorry you didn't get to do one," Krieger said.

"Don't be," Ray waved. "The more I watch them the more grateful I get that I **wasn't** in them. Put in the next tape."

"Already rolling," Krieger said as the opening credits of the next tape were shown.

The title came on screen and Krieger's voice was heard. _"What should I know about fire_ _safety?"_

"Oh dear lord…" Ray groaned as the scene cut to an office.

"I know what you're thinking," Krieger said. "But it's **not** Cheryl! There's a twist!"

 _"Okay first before we do this,"_ Archer spoke on camera. _"Is Carol out of the building?"_

 _"Relax. Ms. Archer gave Cheryl the day off,"_ Pam said off screen. _"Said it was National Bi-Annual Secretary's Day or something."_

 _"Bi-Annual?"_ Archer asked.

 _"She didn't want her making a habit out of this,"_ Pam said off screen.

 _"Good call,"_ Archer nodded. _"Okay so if there's a fire…And let's face it between Carol and whatever happens in Krieger's lab the odds of that happening are pretty high. Like the time Krieger made those exploding mice. Hey do we have some film on that? That would be pretty cool if we cut away to that scene."_

Just then the video cut to another scene. Krieger was standing on a desk with a fire extinguisher. There were sounds of explosions and screaming. And a few fires on chairs and on various lab equipment.

 _"Whatever you do_ _ **don't panic**_ _!"_ Krieger ordered as he put out a fire nearby. _"For the love of god! Don't panic!"_

 _KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

 _"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"_

 _"Okay make that whatever you do is to_ _ **not**_ _step on the mice!"_ Krieger winced. _"Do not step on the mice! Or panic!"_

 _"AAAAAHHHH!"_ An intern with a lab coat on fire ran by.

 _"I TOLD YOU NOT TO PANIC STEVE!"_ Krieger shouted _. "STOP! DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!"_

 _"SQUEEAAAAAK!"_

 _KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!_

 _"Okay, don't stop drop and roll on the_ _ **mice**_ _!"_ Krieger ordered _. "Make sure there are no mice before you stop drop and roll!"_

 _"SQUEAK! SQUEEEEEK!"_

 _"Oh dear god they're headed for the vents!"_ Krieger screamed. _"THE NERVE GAS!"_

Then the scene cut to Archer. " _Fortunately none of the exploding mice ended up anywhere near the nerve gas. They did however make it out of our building and into a few other ones."_

A scene of a nearby building exploding into a ball of flame was shown. A fire engine was heard in the distance.

Then the scene cut back to Archer. _"Then there was the time Bilbo tried to lose weight by smoking and he ended up setting a fire in the mission control center."_

There was a shot of Bilbo in the control room eating a large sandwich. _"Oh_ _sandwich…My precious…"_ He stuffed one end into his mouth.

Just then a nearby wastebasket behind him caught on fire. Bilbo ignored it and kept eating the sandwich _. "Mmmmm….Smoky…"_

The scene cut back to Archer. _"Little safety tip, always make sure your cigarettes are snuffed out before you throw them in the trash basket. Believe it or not that didn't do half as much damage as the time Scatter Brained Jane set fire to the payroll files."_

The scene then cut to Mallory Archer standing outside a smoky office door. Some firefighters exited the room. _"HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?"_ Mallory shouted at Krieger and Lana.

 _"Well you know how Jane has breast cancer and has been taking some experimental drugs?"_ Lana sighed. _"That Krieger came up with?"_

 _"Vaguely,"_ Mallory narrowed her eyes.

 _"Krieger…"_ Lana said.

 _"Oh well I may have also managed to get her some medical marijuana for her to take some of the edge off,"_ Krieger explained. _"And one of the side effects of the combination is that they make her sleepy so…"_

 _"I think I can deduce what happened,"_ Mallory groaned. _"Well? Have the payroll files been saved?"_

 _"Mostly…"_ Lana gulped.

 _"And by mostly you mean…?"_ Mallory narrowed her eyes.

 _"Almost completely destroyed,"_ Krieger explained.

A firefighter carrying an axe walked out of the room. Mallory stopped him. _"Excuse me_ _sir,"_ She said _. "May I borrow your axe? I just need to cut some of the_ _ **dead wood**_ _around here!"_

The scene cut to Archer again. _"And then there was the time idiot Brett set his desk on fire."_

The scene then cut to Brett at his desk smoking while working. Just then a bullet shot rang out.

 _"DAMN IT!"_ Brett screamed as he fell backwards, hit by a bullet. He hit the floor and the cigarette in his mouth fell out onto the papers.

 _"Sorry!"_ Cyril was heard shouting off camera.

 _"Damn it Barney Fife!"_ Lana was heard yelling off camera. _"This is why we don't give you a gun!"_

 _"It was an accident!"_ Cyril protested as the papers caught on fire.

 _"It's always an accident!"_ Lana shouted as the fire started to grow.

 _"I'm not used to firearms!"_ Cyril wailed off screen. The fire then moved to Brett's desk.

 _"Clearly!"_ Lana shouted back.

 _"Well it's not my fault!"_ Cyril protested off screen as the fire grew bigger. _"I haven't been properly trained."_

 _"How the hell can you be trained when every time someone puts a gun in your hand_ …?" Lana began. " _Do you smell smoke? Oh no! Oh sh…"_

 _"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNGGGG!"_ The fire alarm went off as sprinklers doused the entire area.

 _"AAAHHH! MY EARS!"_ Pam yelled off camera.

 _"JESUS CHRIST BRETT!"_ Archer was heard off camera. _"DO YOU WANT TO BURN_ _THE PLACE DOWN?"_

 _"Are we doing that?"_ Cheryl was heard off camera as the fire was doused out.

 _"NO!"_ Everyone off camera shouted.

 _"Way to go Brett,"_ Archer walked up to the desk soaking wet. _"Not only did you cause my tinnitus to act up again! MAWP! You ruined my new suit! I am so sending you the bill for this! And you'd better not get blood on it!"_

Archer stormed away from the smoldering ashes that was once Brett's desk _. "Owww…"_ Brett was heard.

 _"Then there was the fire at that Chinese New Year's Eve party we had on the roof,"_ Archer remembered as the scene cut to him. _"I have no idea how that happened."_

The scene cut to several people on a roof. Archer was toddling around drunk and laughing. _"I wanna set off the fireworks!"_ He stumbled over to a large box full of fireworks and took out a lighter.

 _"NO! ARCHER! I HAVE TO SET THEM UP!"_ Krieger was heard shouting.

Archer predictably didn't listen and accidentally threw his lighter into the box. _"Whoops!"_

 _"HIT THE DECK!"_ Krieger shouted.

KA-BOOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZ!

 _"HAPPY NEW YEAR CHINA!"_ Archer danced around giggling drunkenly. One of the partygoers screamed as he was set on fire.

Then it cut back to Archer again. _"The point is, there are always going to be fires and Carol won't be responsible for all of them."_

 _"Her name is Cheryl,"_ Pam said off camera.

 _"Whatever her name is!"_ Archer snapped. _"She changes it like every other week! How the hell am I supposed to figure it out? She doesn't wear a name tag! Actually that's not a bad idea. She should wear a name tag. Put that in the suggestion box. If we ever get one."_

 _"Last time we had a suggestion box Ms. Archer set it on fire,"_ Pam laughed off camera.

 _"Well there you go. So it's a good idea to know how a fire extinguisher works around here,"_ Archer said. _"And to know where the exits are. I mean if you can read you can probably figure it out. So let's move on to the fire extinguishers."_

Archer then paused. _"Just out of curiosity how much are we getting paid for doing these things?"_

 _"We're not getting dick squat,"_ Pam complained off camera. _"Ms. Archer says she's making us do this crap so we can pay off the damage we did at the Chinese New Year's party. Mostly you."_

 _"That was totally not my fault!"_ Archer barked.

Cut to a scene of Archer on the roof dancing around while fireworks were going off way to close. People were running for cover. Some were on fire.

 _"I MADE FIRE! WHOOOOO!"_ Archer danced around laughing.

BOOOOOOOM!

 _"Wow!"_ Archer laughed _. "Somebody's car just got totally blown up! HA HA HA!"_

 _"Ms. Archer really got mad that one of her rich ex-boyfriend's cars got blown up,"_ Pam was heard speaking to Archer when it cut back to the office.

 _"Oh Mother lost another 'backer',"_ Archer scoffed. _"Big freaking deal."_

 _"I dunno Archer,"_ Pam said off camera. _"She seemed really upset that this guy dumped her. Said he was a super important backer for this agency. And without him we could all be in big trouble."_

Archer scoffed. _"Oh big deal! This is ISIS! We're like the greatest spy agency in the world! It's not like we're gonna get shut down by the government and have to go sell drugs for a living and have our name be associated with terrorism!"_

"Wow…" Ray blinked.

"I know, it's uncanny…" Krieger nodded.

 _"So just to be safe every office in here has at least one fire extinguisher,"_ Archer held one in his hands. _"It's this red thingy with a hose on it. We also put one in the emergency stairwell which Mother finally unblocked. And there's always a few in the hallways. And the closets. And the bathrooms. The break room. And one by Carol's desk just to be safe."_

 _"And now I'm going to demonstrate how to use a fire extinguisher. Of course first we need a fire,"_ Archer took out a lighter. _"So we'll just make one."_

 _"You're not setting my desk on fire!"_ Cyril snapped as he stormed in. He was wearing his usual sweater vest but no jacket.

 _"Actually I was just going to light this god awful jacket on fire,"_ Archer pointed to Cyril's jacket on a chair. _"But a desk would make a better one."_

 _"Not my desk!"_ Cyril shouted. _"Set another desk on fire! One that no one else is using!"_

 _"But your desk is right here…"_ Archer drawled.

 _"Give me that!"_ Cyril grabbed at the lighter.

 _"Cyril! Be reasonable! It's not like anyone is going to…"_ Archer began as he wrestled the lighter away from Cyril. However it lit a spark on Archer's tie. _"AAAAAAHHH!"_

 _"Stop drop and roll Archer!"_ Pam shouted as Archer dropped the fire extinguisher and ran out the door with his tie on fire. " _STOP! DROP AND ROLL!"_

 _"AAAAAHHH!"_ Archer screamed out of shot.

 _"CYRIL GRAB THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"_ Pam shouted.

 _"OKAY! OKAY!"_ Cyril picked it up. _"Now how do you use this thing again?"_

 _"CYRIL!"_ Pam shouted.

 _"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRREEE!"_ Cyril ran out. The sound of him using the fire extinguisher was heard.

The video then cut to the sight of a foam covered Archer on the floor glaring at Cyril. _"Archer…I put the fire out…"_ Cyril said weakly.

 _"CYRIL!"_ Archer leapt and attacked Cyril. The two of them ended up wrestling with the fire extinguisher. Then it went off.

 _"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU IDIOTS THINK YOU'RE DOING?"_ Mallory's shrill voice was heard.

Cyril and Archer stopped fighting and looked in horror. The camera panned to Mallory standing there covered in foam. She was livid.

 _"Uh Mother…"_ Archer gulped. He stepped away. _"He did it!"_ He pointed to Cyril.

 _"You lying bastard!"_ Cyril shouted.

 _"YOU'RE BOTH BASTARDS!"_ Mallory roared. _"DEAD BASTARDS!"_

 _"AAAAAHHH!"_ Cyril and Archer ran away with Mallory hot on their heels.

"That is a good twist!" Ray laughed as the scene of Mallory chasing both Cyril and Archer was shown on screen.


End file.
